I haven’t posted in a year, so I thought it was time for a paragraph, a rant, a hate-fueled stream of consciousness to get this awful taste out of my mouth. I’m actually sitting at my desk, trying to adjust my attitude because right now, I’m feeling strangely let down by some of my friends and it’s got me thinking two things:
1. Maybe I need to re-consider what a “friend” means to me. Do I need to look for more emotionally supporting, responsive, loving friends… or do I just put up with the occasionally frustrating narcissism of my current friends?
2. Should I be looking in the mirror? Maybe I don’t deserve those friends because I don’t embody that to MY friends. I get what I put in, right?
I feel like I’d do anything, for any one of my friends. I travel ALL OVER the district to see and visit people- no questions asked. I’m happy to do it. But now, when I’m hitting a few road bumps in my life, I’m really feeling like that’s a one way street. I’m feeling unsupported, lonely and like I’m my own (and only) cheerleader.
And all of this, paired with the absolute fury I’m absorbed with from the blow of utter rejection and deceit that I’ve experienced from one person in particular. Someone who I became very close to, who invited me into their world, who made me feel safe and wanted, and then, without warning or hesitation – took a big dump on all of it.
I’m pissed mostly because I already learned this lesson. I’m not going to be stronger because of this. I’m just going to be more jaded, cynical and bitter. You helped nothing. You ruined my 2011 so far. I trusted you and I didn’t deserve this. Not this.
I miss home. I miss my mom. Going home always provides a certain solace that is unparalleled by any other outlet in my world. But, unfortunately, everything that was once home to me, has been turned upside-down by the predictably characteristic irresponsibility and immaturity of my older brothers. Though sometimes I feel like their messes can be accounted for by the intense sense of dread and sadness that must be experienced by those living in a town with no life or color. (I have to give them credit for being strong and pressing on) I mean, what the hell would I do in their situation?
It still pisses me off. I could go home for a dose of what was once a complete emotional revitalization. But now, it would just be the same drama, different flavor. There would be arguing and resentment, rather than peace and quiet.
A year ago, I wanted to be here. I wanted my life to look like this. But somewhere along the way, I became really angry and I don’t know why. I want it to go away. I want to be surrounded by people who are as emotionally responsive as I am willing to be. People I can lean on. People who need me and need me to NEED THEM TOO.
All of this misplaced energy is making want a boyfriend which would indeed fill in ONE piece of the emotional puzzle, but would probably just shift the balance of all this shit so that it’s even more suffocating.
It feels like I’ll I’ve got is me.