another sleepless night

Not a whole lot on my mind tonight. Just up late wondering if what I’m about to do is the right thing. Wondering if I’m making the right choice. Wondering if second-guessing myself will be enough fuel to get me to change my mind. Wondering if there are more important things to focus my time and energy on.

I had a dream about my biological father. I think in some weird way it’s making me think twice about the path I’m currently on and the scenery I’m passing along the way. I don’t like to let him take up any space in my mind but I think there’s a place in everyone’s heart that longs for the mother and father. For those of us who are missing one parent or both, it’s particularly difficult to have that space empty, especially if you know all the while that he or she is out there. Wondering if they’re thinking about you too from time to time. Wondering how they’re coping (or not) with your absence. But it was just a dream. No real reason to give it another thought.

I’m also wondering if anyone could find it in their heart to love a 25 year old unemployed guy who sleeps on a couch.  And even if they did, would I resist the urge to push them away enough to form something of substance? Is it worth trying?

Sleep seems like the answer, but tonight we’re not on good terms.

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